It has been an emotional weekend. Starting with Friday night and remembering that it was my dad's birthday. My father has been gone since November 04. So not long. I almost made it through the whole day without remembering. Then My sister called to remind me. It hit hard at first. Both my parents are gone. So sometimes it really hits hard that I have no parents. I catch myself at times still wanting to pick up the phone and tell them something. Or I will be out shopping and think of something they need. ( but of course they don't now). Almost buying it and realizing I am a parentless child. There are so many memories that hit at such odd times. Sometimes just watching my sister talk or my brother laugh. I see mom and dad in them. The moodiness of my sister is like my mother. And the stubborness of my brother is my father's trait. I have two brothers and two sisters. One of each still lives here in our home town. The others moved away many years ago. So I do have some family ties. And still alot of unfinished business with my father's estate. Still constant reminders he hasn't been gone long. I wish there was no dying and death in our lives. Why can't people just live forever?
The next case of the blues or depression came when I was getting ready to go to a barbque at a co-worker and friends house. I was worried about a former co-worker and boyfriend being there. I almost didn't go. The barbque was yesterday. I made up my mind to go and have a good time. Knowing he was going to be invited bothered me alot. And then I just told myself... the hell with it. These are my friends. So I went. And guess what? He never showed up. I worried for nothing. I am glad I did not allow it to keep me away. I had a good time. Good food, good fun, good friends.
A few of us even went out afterwords. We just stopped at a bar to hear a band that was playing. A band that was part of all of our pasts. We didn't even know was still together. That was a blast from the past. It was an OK time. Nice to get out for awhile. I miss going out sometimes. Other times I don't even care. Last night was one of those nights I could take it or leave it. I always have to be concerned if I go out and drink that I have to drive home. So it's hard to just drink one or two. Or just drink soda. I made it home safe and sound.
Today I am just trying to clean house and sort through things. Disposing of things I don't need. I start and I stop. I come back to the computer. Slowly getting things done. I want to purge so much from my life. I want a simple, uncomplicated life. I wish I could just move away sometimes and start over. Buy a beach house in florida. Open a book store and just enjoy life. Those are my dreams. I know Dreams do come true. I am working on mine.
Ok I need to get back on track... my cleaning, ridding my life of the junk. I am outta here.
Ciao for now.