Sunday

It has been a pretty uneventful weekend. I have stayed home and stuck to my budget. And it's been boring as hell. I hate it. But I cannot afford to go out and run around. I just can't control the impulse to spend. It may start out small but by the time I get home I have spent money I had no business spending. And I have guilt. So I am avoiding going out on my own. I stopped Friday afternoon on my way home from work. I needed groceries. My cupboards aren't bare but I needed bread, juice, coffee, cat food, things you run out of weekly. Well, I decided to go to the "Grocery Store" instead of Super Walmart. That was a big mistake. I spent almost $60 bucks. I know I could have gotten by with spending around $35 at Super Walmart. And then I ended up getting Chinese food for super. I did make two meals out of that for $5. So that wasn't so bad. The Chinese food was what was drawing me to the grocery store. Pft. Not again. I will settle for the frozen Chinese food at SW next time. The prices are just so much higher. Temptations like that are a prime example of how I get into trouble. Some people would laugh that off. But I really do need to watch my money. I am not in a position to be spending freely. Not knowing what my job status will be in 3 months. And now with the probability of gas going up again. And natural gas prices rising for the winter months. Who knows what we will end up paying in heating bills. I live alone. I have to make my bills on my own. So I have to control my spending. I know I could be a lot worse off. There are a lot of people that aren't even getting by right now. The winter will make it worse. I don't want to fall behind. I have the money put away to fall back on in case of a big emergency. But I am not touching that unless I absolutely have too. Once I dip into that, I know it will go fast. So I am not touching it unless it becomes absolutely necessary. Hopefully not at all.

I still have things to take care of for my Dad's estate. The primary thing is the sale of the house. We are still waiting on an answer from the Casey's Corporation to see if they want the land. The waiting truly sucks. I have a lot of mixed feelings about selling to them. True we can get more money for the property if we sell to them. That's all fine and dandy. But then they will demolish the house. I am not sure how I feel about that. And if we don't sell to them then the house will remain standing and someone else will more than likely live in it. So which is better or worse. I just don't know. November 22 will be a year since my dad died. That does not seem long at all. I go to the house everyday. There are cats that come there to be fed. Some days it's really hard to handle and other days it does not bother me at all. I think about what it would be like if I moved into the house. It's a 3 bedroom /1 bath two story house. It is over 100 years old. There is a big yard front and back of the house. It is too big for me. If it was all on one level I might consider it. It has a new furnace and central air. But the heating bills are high. And the bathroom only has a bathtub. There are so many memories in that house. I grew up there. You look at the house now and you wonder how the heck did they raise 5 kids in this house. But they did. I look in my old bedroom and think there were 3 beds in here and more. I don't know how. Sometimes I wonder how we made it. There were some tough times. With dad's accident and all. My dad almost died when I was a freshman in high school. He worked for the city and he was driving a snow plow. After working a lot of overtime one weekend. He was driving the plow and it stalled on the railroad tracks behind our house. He couldn't get out of the plow in time and the train hit it. My dad almost died. He was in a coma for almost a year. And rehab another year learning to do everything all over again. My dad was never the same after that. His personality changed completely. He learned how to do everything all over again. And he went back to work. But our lives were forever changed. I don't know how we made it through that time. But we did. My mom continued to work and we continued to go to school everyday. I was lucky to have my dad for another 35 years.

We made it through some really tough times. All those things shape and mold us into who we are today. I think of both my parents and their work ethic and there determination, the views about debt and so much more. I want to be like my mom. I want to be able to budget and make things work out. I also think about all the people affected by the Hurricane's. Some of them don't even have clothes to wear let alone a roof over their heads. I am so fortunate.

This has turned into a way to serious post. Sometimes I just need to purge all those bad, sad, depressing feelings. I have definitely done that. So on to something brighter... My favorite time of year arrived this week. Fall is in the air. We had a change in our weather mid week. I have turned off the central air and the windows are open. It feels so good. I love cool crisp fall mornings. I love long walks this time of year. Sitting outside in the early evenings just soaking up the air. Watching the leaves change. It always seems to be a time of change for me. I get so retrospective. I go deep within. And find things to work on. So time will tell.

It's time to stop I have ranted on and on here. More than I had planned. I am off to enjoy the fall day.

Ciao for now ....
~ Diva '